Once again, it’s been disappointing. After spending an entire year studying web development at the institute, I craved this summer vacation like someone searching for water in the desert.I wanted time for myself, time to not feel mentally exhausted. I thought I had improved in managing my schedule and responsibilities, meeting deadlines, and studying every day. But it only took a week without external obligations for me to fall back into apathy. It frustrates me to function this way. Perhaps the depression I thought I had overcome was merely masked by the satisfaction of checking tasks off the list.

I’ve always struggled to take the initiative to go out or suggest plans. It doesn’t come naturally to me, someone always has to push me, even if I like the plan. At first, I resist the idea, even though I end up enjoying it. This year has helped me get to know myself better, but self-awareness isn’t always pleasant.

Additionally, I’m at that stage where my friends have formed new social circles, have other responsibilities, and seem to know how to be adults much better than I do. Those plans of "when summer comes, we’ll do this or that" never happened. I haven’t even touched the sea, and I live on an island.

I feel sad realizing that I don’t have the closeness with certain people I thought I had. I haven’t made much of an effort to maintain those relationships either: I haven’t reached out privately, and lately, I function better in group settings. But I don’t think it’s fair to complain, since I tend to pull away.

Years ago, I would have said I was comfortable being alone, even forever. But now I see that we are social beings and that sharing experiences with others creates the best memories. I realized this during my trip to Berlin, which I’d like to write about in another post so I don’t forget.

Even small interactions, like someone casually talking to me while I walk my dogs, even if they give me anxiety, add something to my apathetic days. If the interaction is negative, it ruins my day as well, that’s true.

The problems of other family members, combined with the general neglect around me, don’t inspire any enthusiasm either. Everything repeats like a cycle: I give my opinion, they throw their emotional baggage at me, but nothing changes. Sometimes I prefer to ignore it all.

However, not everything has been negative. I’ve really enjoyed spending time with my dogs, and I don’t take for granted being with them all day, especially after Kei’s emergency in July with pulmonary edema. I thought he wouldn’t make it, and I had to face my worst fear. This might be the last summer we spend together, although I hope that’s not the case.

Another positive thing has been starting to create this website. The idea motivates me, although just when I got around to it, summer was already over. I had been thinking about it for months, but the lack of motivation was so strong that I didn’t even review programming during this time.

There were also nice moments with friends, like going to the movies sometimes, something I enjoy because it doesn’t require much from me socially. We saw Caroline 3D, Alien Romulus, Deadpool and Wolverine, Longlegs, and in one of the most memorable sleepovers, we watched I Saw the TV Glow, a movie that deeply impacted me. We also watched Love Lies Bleeding, and in the morning, Interview with the Vampire, one of my comfort movies. During that gathering, a friend made a delicious curry ramen and perfect pancakes.

Another highlight was the manga convention in early September. I took care of the artist alley booth for a friend who couldn’t attend because of work. Despite my nerves, the attendees were understanding when they saw me clumsily searching for the sticker or keychain they had requested. By the end, I had found some order in the chaos of the folders. It was satisfying to get the job done, and the interactions with my friend’s group of friends were memorable, especially the laughs during the last dinner I went to, at a tasty Asian buffet where we shared stories. I felt included and part of something.

I was also paid for the work, something I hadn’t experienced before. I used the money to buy a monitor to connect to my old laptop, which has helped me be more efficient with schoolwork.

Another achievement was finishing my first playthrough of Baldur’s Gate 3 and playing Disco Elysium, which has become one of my favorite games and an obsession. I also finished watching Twin Peaks, a series I loved for its cozy, campy, and mysterious atmosphere. I adore Cooper. The movie left me thinking that Laura Palmer suffered more than Jesus, and the third season, while confusing, was fascinating to watch.

In summary, summer was mostly calm but had its moments. Sometimes I worry about not having those memorable experiences in my twenties, and that this decade will be a blank page. But I also realize that I just need a bit more autonomy, to reflect on what I want to do, and to go for it. At the same time, it’s important to accept myself as a probably neurodivergent and introverted person who doesn’t need to, nor should, live intensely all the time.

Next year, I’d like to travel, even if it’s just to the north of the country, like Asturias. Or visit my friend in Manchester. Having something to plan and look forward to would give me the push I need.